PLASTIC BAGS CONQUER THE EARTH! (dedicated to Kelly Cryderman.)

 

                    Martian saucers cleverly disguised as a street light.

 

NEWS BULLETIN

In a remarkable turn of events, the world has received unsettling information about the ordinary plastic bag. According to a groundbreaking international scientific study released today, these omnipresent blights on our environment have been deemed not only pollutants but also a sophisticated weapon of mass destruction designed by an advanced civilization on Mars.

Dr. Amelia K. Russo, head of the International Astrobiological Society, led the research team that made this startling discovery. "It appears that we've vastly underestimated the purpose and origins of plastic bags," she said at the press conference earlier today. "Our recent findings suggest they are a premeditated attack from extraterrestrial forces on Mars."

For years, scientists have warned about the ecological hazards of plastic bags: endangering wildlife, suffocating our oceans, and contributing to landfill waste. However, the Russo team's study now indicates that these bags are meticulously designed to slowly but inexorably erode Earth's environment, paving the way for a Martian invasion.

"What's ingenious, and utterly terrifying, is the subtlety of their approach," Dr. Russo elaborated. "The Martians have used our own consumerism and disregard for the environment against us, deploying these destructive agents under the guise of convenience. Each discarded bag not only pollutes our environment but also emits a biochemical signal towards Mars, alerting them to the readiness of our planet for takeover."

The study, carried out over five years and involving astrobiologists, chemists, physicists, and environmental scientists from all over the world, also revealed the likely timeline of the imminent Martian invasion. Based on the rate of signals being emitted by these plastic bags and the distance between Mars and Earth, the research team has estimated that the Martian forces are due to arrive in November 2024.

This revelation has sparked immediate response from governments worldwide, as a special session of the United Nations was convened to discuss this unprecedented threat. Secretary-General Amara Kofi called for a worldwide ban on the use of plastic bags and urged member countries to invest in research on countermeasures against the impending invasion.

"Immediate action is of utmost importance," said Kofi. "We are facing a threat not just to our environment but to our very existence. We must stand united to protect our planet and thwart these Martian plans."

Meanwhile, panic has begun to grip the world. The stock market has seen a massive sell-off, with the Dow plunging 20%. Many have started hoarding supplies and preparing for doomsday scenarios. Others, however, are skeptical, questioning the validity of the research and demanding further evidence.

Nevertheless, scientists worldwide have begun working on potential defense strategies and studying the plastic bags more closely to understand their construction and communication methods. Dr. Russo's team is urging the public to remain calm but vigilant.

"We are working around the clock," Dr. Russo said. "Our goal is to neutralize the Martian attack and ensure the safety of humanity. We are in a race against time, but I believe in our collective strength and ingenuity."

As the countdown to November 2024 begins, the world stands on a precipice. The humble plastic bag, long seen as a nuisance and environmental hazard, has now become a symbol of an extraterrestrial threat. Only time will tell how humanity responds to this Martian menace.

-ENDS-