Can The Left Regulate Sex? (Ross Douthat, for the NYT.)

 

Dirty Old Men Of The World Unite! You Have Nothing To Lose But Your Pants! 

In general the recent trend has been toward more regulation: The sexual-assault tribunals on college campuses, the changing rules of workplace harassment, the new politesse surrounding pronouns and sexual identity. Part of this reflects a pattern often observed by conservatives, in which certain forms of sexual liberation seem to require more micromanagement than the old “thou shalt nots” — like the rigor required to distinguish supposedly empowering “sex work” from the exploitative variety, or purportedly egalitarian pornography from the misogynist or pedophilic sort.

Ross Douthat. 

The battle of the genders

has so many loud contenders.

*

The balances and checks

for contemporary sex

are so silly and complex

that Don Juan they would perplex.

*

We all need a vacation

from sexual liberation.

*

A few well-placed taboos

would be such refreshing news.

*

And perhaps 'twould be in fashion

to abjure all crimes of passion.

*

Do you think I am a boor

to go back to days of yore

when the talk of birds and bees

was feared more than Bright's Disease?

*

I suppose I must be daft

to think all this darn sexcraft

that intrudes upon my world

should be lowered and then furled.

*

I guess that I'll go in the closet

and my geezer butt deposit

while I wait for times to change

and sexuality to grow less strange . . . 

Evictions are about to restart as tenants wait on billions in unspent rental aid. (WaPo)

 

"As courts prepare to allow evictions again, only 12 percent of $25 billion approved in December has reached people in need."

There was a man, a wicked man,

who called himself our Uncle Sam.

*

He had so many bags of gold

the count of them could not be told.

*

He got his gold from pockets picked,

and his conscience never pricked.

*

He liked to promise succor to

anyone he ran into.

*

Pauper, penguin, common thief --

he would grant them all relief.

*

Since he had great piles of cash,

no one thought his promise rash.

*

But his promised aid was slower

than a rusted push lawnmower.

*

In dribs and drabs he parceled out

nothing much but sauerkraut.

*

Pennies that could do no good

to restore one's livelihood.

*

Renters never saw a shred

and were evicted on their head.

*

 But with a smile our Uncle claimed

the postal service should be blamed.

*

Or maybe global warming stopped

all the manna being dropped.

*

Anyway, those promised aid

never ever did get paid.

*

But Uncle Sam continues to

promise skies of sunny blue.

*

So go right up and ask him now

to provide from his cash cow.

*

He will write you a large check

(but won't explain the bottleneck.)

*

So when you try to cash it you

will meet with your own Waterloo.

Is Bitcoin a religion? If not, it soon could be. (Andrew Fenton for Cointelegraph Magazine.)

 

"Every atom in the universe through heat and energy transfer, one day will become literally Bitcoin.”

Hass McCook.

Hass McCook, for one, does preach

that bitcoin heals the soul's sad breach.

*

He claims that cyber-coin contains

more power than most hurricanes

to lead us to the Promised Land

without restraint or reprimand.

*

We may be but Satoshi bits

but never are we counterfeits!

*

I find this bitcoin gospel odd --

though many think of cash as God.

*

The love of bitcoin is the root

of making people destitute.

*

At least that is my heathen notion

of such crypto-coin devotion.

*

But people love deep mysteries

and bitcoin has complexities,

with block chains up upon a cloud

to overawe the naive crowd.

*

Digital religion seems

to be the stuff of childish dreams.

*

Temples, chapels, synagogues --

all are going to the dogs;

young folk go to cyberspace

to find wisdom, wealth, and grace.

*

Filthy lucre, once despised,

now is very highly prized,

ballyhooed and sanitized,

keeping people mesmerized.

*

But I am no religious crank;

I'll keep my pittance in the bank.

And when I sit upon a pew

it's peace, not wealth, that I'll accrue.

*

The road to hell is paved, maybe,

with worshiping mere BTC.

Religious Americans less likely to believe intelligent life exists on other planets. (Becka A. Alper, for the Pew Research Center.)

 

"Religious and secular thinkers alike have long discussed what the implications for religion would be if humans discovered intelligent life on other planets. In the United States, highly religious adults are much more skeptical about the possibility of extraterrestrial life compared with those who are less religious, according to a recent Pew Research Center survey."

When an Episcopalian

meets outer space alien

what's the reaction to be?

Perhaps a strict dubiety.

*

A Baptist is likely to lecture

and tell the poor thing it's conjecture.

*

An Anglican parson might shake its green hand

but tell it from services it will be banned.

*

The Methodists a hymn will sing

then tie it up with heavy string.

*

The Pope could welcome it to Rome,

then say it's just a garden gnome.

*

A Lutheran, no doubt, would fear

to bring one home to drink some beer.

*

 If Unitarians saw a flying saucer

they'd quote a line from Geoffrey Chaucer.

*

Mennonites would keep concealed

a moon man working in their field.

*

Now Mormons, who have funny ways,

already think that planets blaze

with souls like us  -- so they don't care

if Earth's a cosmic thoroughfare.

Wellington 'clown' murder trial pushed back to 2022 at defense's request. (Hannah Winston, for the Palm Beach Post.)

 

"On May 26, 1990, Marlene Warren was shot in the doorway of her Wellington Aero Club home and died several days later. Witnesses, including her son, said someone dressed as a clown came to the door, presented her with flowers and balloons, then shot her in the face." 

The clown assassin is a trope

that's had its day, I really hope.

*

Too often in the recent past

have clowns brought forth the fatal blast.

*

Their killing sprees no longer thrill;

you might say it is overkill.

*

And when the amateur attempts

to settle some old contretemps

*

by putting on cheap makeup and

bumping off a gal or man

*

I hope Grimaldi and his heirs

do not yank out their orange hairs!

*

I'm sorry that this poem stinks so;

but what d'yer expect from an old Bozo?

Religious leaders weigh reinstating mask mandates and whether they could upset some members. (Sarah Pulliam Bailey for the WaPo.)

 

Did Moses wear a mask at all,

or Joshua or Job?

*

Or had they faith enough

to check each heathenish microbe?

*

Would Peter, James, and John agree

to veil their faces instantly

*

or would they be desirous

to exorcise the virus?

*

Today beliefs are vague

when it comes to the plague.

*

Perhaps the epilogue

to God's own Decalogue

*

Should now include the task

of keeping on your mask!

CDC renewal of indoor masking prompts experts to ask, ‘Where’s the data?’ (WaPo)

 

The CDC cannot decide

which way it wants to ever ride.

Like a bumptious child do they

first come close, then run away.

A diff'rent drummer is just fine;

but they have got to show some spine.

Should we wear a mask or not?

Indoors? Outdoors? Afterthought?

How about while having sex?

Or going to the Multiplex?

Give me concrete guidance please

(so I can claim conspiracies!)

Ominous Summer Season

 

The ominous summer season

is giving me a good reason

to stay in my bed

and cover my head

to avoid Nature's red treason.

He Tried to Walk on Water From Florida to New York. It Didn’t Go So Well. (Neil Vigdor for the NYT.)

 

"Reza Baluchi washed ashore on Saturday near St. Augustine, Fla., in a ‘‘hydro pod,” startling beachgoers with a homemade contraption that resembles a hamster wheel."

Edward Morton Stuzzlefield

invented fruit already peeled;

banana bunches he created

that of their skin had been castrated.

But the public did not feel

that his invention had appeal.

In poverty he did remain,

without so much as quiche lorraine.

*

But Edward could not be defeated;

he turned his thoughts to lands depleted.

Organic fertilizer, cheap,

came to him one night in sleep.

To Washington he traveled quick

with burlap sacks both strong and thick

to capture all the rich bs

that came straight from our own Congress.

He spread it on a test field bare

and clover grew like teenage hair.

But once again the public sank

his hopes, because the bs stank --

no farmer wanted Edward's mix;

they said it reeked of politics.

*

Now Stuzzlefield was in a bind;

on all his bills he fell behind.

Another brainstorm came at last,

and this one seemed quite unsurpassed!

In his garage he toiled away,

inventing hard both night and day.

And came up with a giant spoon

to catapult men to the Moon.

Put billionaires in outer space,

thought Ed, and I'll be Upper Case.

It had a giant spring and gear,

and Ed was first to volunteer.

He sprang into the stratosphere -- 

and ne'er was seen again, I fear.

*

His spirit, though, lives on in those

who want to challenge the cosmos;

those who dream and tinker when

the world is filled with lesser men

content to plod the daily rut

and think our hero was a nut.

To crackpot dreamers everywhere

I bow my head and wish you fair!

Give me a can of beans.

 

Give me a can of beans,

just any kind you please:

Kidney, Lima, red,

and especially black eye peas.

I eat 'em with eggs for breakfast.

Put 'em on toast for lunch.

Mash 'em with roasted peanuts

at dinner, for the crunch.

They're always on sale at the market;

forty-nine cents per can.

A pantry full of Goya,

and I'm feeling like a new man.

So what if they make me gassy?

So what if the foodies object?

I live by myself on fixed income;

don't need to be so circumspect!