Everyone Writes. But Is Everyone a Writer? Workshops hosted by published authors like Elizabeth Gilbert and nonauthors like Caroline Calloway have commodified creativity. (NYT)

I'm writing great bestsellers in my head most of the time,

and so I'd like to teach you how it's done (for one thin dime.)

My workshops are amazing, and you'll find your inner muse.

I guarantee afflatus, and so what have you to lose?

First we tackle writer's block, that baffling disease

that keeps the pages lily white and sends you to your knees.

The answer is quite simple and it even might surprise --

just pull up your cold laptop and then start to plagiarize.

Copy anything you like, and soon you're on your way

to something extra special (til the lawyers have their say.)

Then you need an agent, one who's got your back for sure;

who charges for their services like it is haute couture.

They'll find a publisher who knows the value of your work

and promptly gives your manuscript to some poor shipping clerk.

Now's the time for patience, for you're not yet in the clover.

In fact it may take longer than for Hell to freeze all over.

But here is my great secret when your manuscript is stalled:

Dish some dirt on Trump's White House, and make it really scald.

Even if it's made up like a fairy tale by Grimm

the critics will all love you and in cash you'll surely swim.

And once you're rich and famous I do hope you'll keep in mind

that I will not resent it if you keep my pockets lined . . .