titulares y verso. Wednesday December 20 2017.

The World’s Top Banana Is Doomed and Nobody Can Find a Replacement

Bananas are vanishing quick

From fungus that’s making them sick.

They cannot be hoarded --

They turn pretty sordid.

Without ‘em my pancakes won’t click!

Calling Poutine ‘Canadian’ Gives Some in Quebec Indigestion

There was a young man in Quebec

Who had to say “Just wait a sec.”

“Poutine is cuisine

That has the French gene --

It’s not of the Maple redneck!”

Do You Love Your Pet This Much? Owners Post Heartfelt Obituaries

Here lies Fido,my best friend/I was with him at the end/Chasing garbage trucks too much/till the driver pulled the clutch/May he see this loving trope/while buried in an envelope.

Christmas Militant

“. . . the kings shall shut their mouths at him . . .”

The magistrates and conquerors, the wealthy and the wise,

Shall one day become silent when the Savior does arise.

Unknown by Saudi Princes and despised by pagan wit,

The Lord of Light and Glory will make all their jabber quit.

And unpretentious shepards shall be heard once more to say

The Prince of Peace has come again -- and this time He will stay!

Email from my Missionary Daughter in San Clemente

Hello all!

This week has been so awesome, I'm not sure that there are adequate words to describe it. I'm finally in California though! Yes, the weather here is absolutely perfect, so I'm sorry for all you North Dakota folk who have to deal with winter still, but remember it won't last forever! And neither will my time here in the mission, so I'm trying to make the most of it every day :) I got here on Tuesday and my mission president and his wife ( the Clarks) met us at the airport and took us straight to the Newport Beach Temple for some pictures. It has got to be the most beautiful spot for a temple I've ever seen. It reminded me instantly of the Garden of Eden, because of all the luscious plants and the gorgeous setting sun hitting the temple just right. The temple itself looks like one of those old mission buildings that you see in Westerns sometimes haha. It's all quite beautiful though, ya'll should look it up. It was actually funded by the members in the area, which I thought was cool. 

This week has been so full, I hardly know where to begin telling about it. I am currently in San Clemente and am serving in two wards! The members here are so awesome, they do so much missionary work. Yesterday we had a member bring her friend to church and then we taught her the Restoration lesson in 2nd hour and she said she wants to know what she has to do to be baptized! Amazing, absolutely amazing. Don't get me wrong, that kind of thing only happens every once in a while. My trainer says it's beginners luck ;) hah! But this week has taught me a lot about how people definitely have their agency, and if they're ready to listen, they will. One of my favorite things has been getting to talk to everyone we see on the street. I thought that I disliked talking to people in general, but being a missionary has totally changed that for me. Before I didn't see them as children of God, but now that's the first thing I see when I look at them. And it changes how you treat people too.

My trainer's name is Sister Aebischer, and she knows the Reichman family that lives in Williston, which is crazy!! (Tender mercies of the Lord, you guys. Seriously.) She's super fun and very kind and really really good at talking to anyone. This area of California is really wealthy, so everyone pretty much lives in a mansion ( or at least what I think of as a mansion). But none of the people I've met so far have been snobs, which is pleasantly surprising. They give us food all the time and make sure that we have medicine when we're sick. They are constantly looking out for us, and I am so grateful to be around such kind, Christ-like examples. I was sick when I left the MTC and I'm still getting over it, so I couldn't smell for the longest time or taste stuff, but now I can do both and I didn't realize how much I missed those two things! I guess we take for granted a lot of the every day abilities we have like tasting and smelling and seeing and walking. Being sick definitely humbles you and makes you grateful for when you aren't sick ;) 

I thank God every day that He has allowed me to help in His work, and now I'm even more grateful that I get to do it in such a magnificent place as this. I get to speak about how much I love Jesus Christ every day, and what He has done for me in my life. I get to share with people that their families can be together forever, and that we have the Book of Mormon to help us live our lives in peace and joy when we do what . What a blessing to be reminded of all Christ has done this Christmas season. Don't let a day go by without acknowledging the gifts he's given us, and use them :) 

 

Don't be afraid to share how you feel about Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father, because everyone needs them and needs the knowledge we have. Take Care, and have a wonderful Christmas remembering Christ! 

Sincerely,

Sister Torkildson

https://drive.google.com/a/myldsmail.net/file/d/0B66lS5WiL5EEcmhrQ3RuOTdFTkNiSjU3Ymh0X0FObEJBVkJj/view?usp=drive_web 

My Dear Sister Torkildson;

It’s so good to read of your upbeat spirit and testimony. I’m so happy you are prospering in your missionary work. But I’m going to be hard on you, now and in the future, about your emails -- because I want them to become more informative and less general. Someday you’ll thank me, I hope, for nagging you into becoming a really good writer.

Let’s start with this phrase in your letter:  “This area of California is really wealthy, so everyone pretty much lives in a mansion . . . “

This is a general statement, which is not too informative or interesting. Things you could have written to expand on this are: why are they so wealthy? (speculation is always acceptable) Where does their wealth come from? Inherited? Silicon Valley? Crime?  Enough on that: describe some details of these mansions -- gated? Swimming pool? What kind of wall to keep the poor people out? How about condos, any of those around? I’ll never get to see a mansion in San Clemente, so the more detail you can pour on the better I like it. What kind of cars do rich people drive? To church? Are there special stores catering to the rich in your area? What are the names of local restaurants -- that can give a real insight into their character.

Okay, let’s move on:  “They give us food all the time . . .”

Describe the kind of food you’re given, por favor. Salads? Meats? Bread? Rice? Pasta? Fruit? Cake? Ethnic stuff like fried rice or curry or corned beef or crazy things like eel grass and durian? A simple declarative sentence would be fine -- “brother and sister so-and-so gave us a lunch of calamari in marinara sauce, with an artichoke salad, and coconut water to drink; for dessert they served rambutan stuffed with pineapple.”

It takes very little effort to fall into the habit of noting specifics about your surroundings, your food, and the people you interact with. What shade of lipstick does Sister Aebischer wear? What’s her favorite outfit, or color? When you start with specifics, Daisy, you can then make much more interesting generalizations and observations.

But don’t think I am disappointed in your writing! Not in the least; you put real passion and expression into your sentences -- that’s why I’m taking the time to push you to write better; because I know you really can!

Much love, dad.

Chasing the next Bitcoin

Chasing the Next Bitcoin, Investors Shell Out $700 Million for Coins With ‘No Purpose’

From the Wall Street Journal

Have you ever heard of ‘bubbles,’ like the British South Sea scam?

They sheared a lot of people like they were a little lamb.

The Mississippi Company in France blew bubbles, too --

It gave out paper money that was not worth a cashew.

The Internet at one time was a bubble so immense

That when it burst it left a crowd of paupers very dense.

And now there’s cryptocurrency that’s tempting all the schnooks;

They’re stampeding to be the first to get out their checkbooks.

“Never smarten up a chump” I think old Barnum spoke;

“The world is full of sitting ducks just waiting to go broke.”

Congress Faces Crunch Time on Spending, Immigration

In Congress the clocks do not tick.

And time lays as heavy as brick.

And then in a rush

new laws they do gush

Before they go home mighty quick.

Inside the Home of

Instant Pot, the

Kitchen Gadget That

Spawned a Religion

My slow cooker is obsolete; my Corningware’s kaput!

And even my rotisserie has crumbled into soot.

The Insta-Pot has made a mock of all my cooking skills.

It glazes, braises, kneads and brines, without too many frills.

A fortune I have wasted on my copper bottomed pans;

I should have spent my money on Spaghettios in cans.

I’d stick my head inside the oven range, but then you see

My KitchenAid does not use gas -- just electricity.

Rudeness

And after we had been driven forth before the wind for the space of many days, behold, my brethren and the sons of Ishmael and also their wives began to make themselves merry, insomuch that they began to dance, and to sing, and to speak with much rudeness, yea, even that they did forget by what power they had been brought thither; yea, they were lifted up unto exceeding rudeness.

I struggle with a tongue that’s rude and try not to disdain

What others tell me of their worries, joy, or constant pain.

I, too, have made too merry when exhilaration comes,

And danced a surly hornpipe to the beat of vulgar drums.

Keep my pride in check, O Lord, and when I’m impolite

Help me to restrain myself and my raw tongue to bite!

Headlines & Verse. Sunday December 17 2017.

Abuse of Saints’ Relics Presses Vatican to Issue New Rules

I’m glad I’ve not been canonized

And have my vitals highly prized.

I’d like to keep my head intact,

And my fingers -- that’s a fact!

You worshippers, some distance please;

Just stay away from both my knees!

Don’t snip my hair or rip my clothes --

For heaven’s sake don’t touch my nose!

And if my privates you abduct . . .

I hope you wind up really -- uh, plucked.

or

The corpse of a saint ain’t secure

From any old ghoul or dumb boor.

They’ll tear off a hunk

To put in their trunk,

Then print it up in a brochure.

Glowing Auras and ‘Black Money’: The Pentagon’s Mysterious U.F.O. Program

The little green men up in space

Do not like the whole human race.

They buzz past our planes

And zap our poor brains,

Then scamper away without trace.

In Defense of the Holiday Cheese Ball: Too Delicious to Be Tacky

I never met a cheese ball that did not agree with me.

Smeared upon a cracker they give holiday esprit!

If Santa will reward me for my zealous piety,

He’ll leave about a dozen underneath the Christmas tree!

Voters Increasingly Favor Democrats for Congress, New Poll Shows

The Democrats now start to smirk;

It’s paying off -- their dirty work.

They callously let

Republicans get

The blame for Commander-in-Jerk.

Uproar Over Purported Ban at C.D.C. of Words Like ‘Fetus’

Washington monitors phrases

That sends bureaucrats into blazes.

One slip of the tongue

And your job is dung --

So much for a lifetime of raises . . .

Est-ce que Tiger Woods aura son terrain de golf à Chicago?

Mike Keiser construit des terrains de golf. Il aime le faire. c'est son gagne-pain, et il aime jouer lui-même comme un hack semi-pro. Il a récemment conduit de son domicile à Chicago jusqu'au milieu du Wisconsin pour superviser le début de la construction d'un nouveau terrain de golf dans l'État de Badger. "C'est un jeu d'enfant, de travailler dans le Wisconsin" Keiser a déclaré aux journalistes récemment. "Il n'y a pas de paperasserie à proprement parler. Mais ici, à Chicago, c'est une histoire différente! Keiser sait de quoi il parle. Il a été l'un des premiers à intervenir il y a plus d'un an, lorsque les médias de Chicago ont révélé que Tiger Woods, à la demande de l'ancien président Barack Obama, serait le concepteur principal d'un somptueux terrain de golf au sud du vent. ville. Le maire Rahm Emanuel était aussi sur le marché, prêt à le porter devant le conseil municipal et à pousser pour le financement et l'achat de domaine éminent nécessaire. Le quartier Lincoln Park où le cours devait être construit serait également la maison de la future bibliothèque présidentielle de Barack Obama. Ce projet avance. Mais le projet Tiger Woods ne fait pas de grands progrès pour le moment. Pourquoi? Les gens au courant disent que c'est parce que les formalités administratives et les nombreux départements municipaux et départementaux impliqués ont ralenti les choses. Bien que personne ne dise que l'entreprise est morte, la date d'achèvement a été repoussée à un niveau très indéterminé «au cours des prochaines années».

Headlines & Verse. Saturday December 16 2017.

Simplicity Was A Main Goal of Tax Reform. For Millions, It’s Not Happening

When Uncle Sam can simplify

Our tax code -- then hedgehogs will fly.

The PEP and the Pease

May vanish with ease,

but AMT still will apply . . .

MANY ELEVATORS IN NEW YORK STILL HAVE OPERATORS

In Britain they call it a lift.

Like here, it is not prone to drift.

To operate one

Might be kinda fun;

There’s never a call to be swift.

MetLife Discloses Failure to Pay Thousands of Workers’ Pensions

MetLife don’t pay much attention

To people who may have a pension.

Despite the distress

They lose the address;

Just what the heck is their intention?

To Recruit Workers, Manufacturers Go to Parents’ Nights

I hope my precocious young child

By factory work is beguiled.

Cuz blue collar toil

Will not then embroil

Us in student loans going wild.

Surgeon Who Etched His Initials on Patients’ Livers Is Convicted of Assault

I went into the surgeon for to have my liver saved;

Instead his darn initials on it he did went and shaved!

It only proves that sawbones like to advertise their wares

Even if it means they cannot bill me, but my heirs!

A Flocking We Will Go.

My father was not a sentimental man; to him, most holidays simply meant time off from work for a nap on the couch.

But one year he made an exception for Christmas. He decided that our Scotch pine should be flocked. And he decided to do it himself. This was a shock to my mother, who had to threaten him with a cast iron trivet just to get him to move the couch once a month so she could vacuum behind it.

What prompted this burst of holiday spirit on his part was a Sno-Flok kit that someone had left behind at Aarone’s Bar and Grill on East Hennepin, where he worked as a bartender. Fuddled patrons often left behind things like a bag of groceries or an overcoat, and my dad, as chief dispenser of suds, had first dibs. Freebies always inspired him with unusual energy.

The Sno-Flok kit, guaranteed by Good Housekeeping (which stifled any cavils from my mother), required the use of a vacuum cleaner and came with a dry powder packet to be mixed with water. Or so my dodgy memory recalls. This was back in the 1960’s.

Both my parents were heavy smokers -- my dad puffed away at Salems and mom was never without a lit Alpine between her fingers. Our house was so thick with second hand smoke that the winter light streaming through the windows showed ghostly ropes of it wafting about the living room. But they thought that flocking the tree inside the house might harm my lungs, so dad set the tree up against the garage in the backyard and commenced flocking. On his own initiative he had added several drops of red food coloring for a pretty pink effect. Unfortunately, the effect gave more of a Manson Family effect. And when dad was done, the gory silhouette left behind on the white garage wall gave rise to all sorts of ghoulish gossip in the neighborhood about ‘those strange Torkildson people.’

Sad to say, dad’s efforts at DIY holiday decoration was a complete flop. And I do mean ‘flop.’ He apparently paid no attention to the mixing directions for the powdered flocking, and the stuff remained so sodden on the branches of the tree that lumps of it flopped onto our wrapped presents underneath all through the night. By next morning the wretched stuff had seeped through the paper and loose cellophane to permanently mar the screen on my Etch A Sketch.

And that is why, all these years later, I keep a very green Christmas. I use a pine sapling, which I will plant this coming spring, and all my presents are wrapped in corn husks -- so they can be reused for tamales afterwards. There’ll be no flocking under my roof, unless someone spikes the eggnog.

The History of the Atom

(Editor's Note:  This is a guest post by my grandson Diesel Torkildson. It shows how the poetic gene carries down through the generations.)

To start off I'll go in order of date
> Democritus is the first name I'll state
> He said some matter was indivisible
> That you couldn't cut it infinitesimal
> He called those little particles Atomos
> Back when people believed in chronic
>
> Dalton John is the next name I'll put out
> He discovered atomic theory that's for sure
> He said all elements are made of atoms even if they're not pure
> Atoms are identical and can't be created or destroyed
> Those were the ideas he deployed
> He also created the sphere model
> Let's move on, let's not dawdle
>
> The cathode ray experiment was done by JJ Thomson
> He said there were particles smaller than an atom putting Dalton in a coffin
> He discovered the electron that's where an atom's negative charge comes from
> He passed cathode rays by positive and negative sides
> They went to the positive from the negative they hide
>
> Thompson knew that atoms were neutral
> So he said positive and negative came together mutual
> Plum pudding was what his model was called
> But Milikan's ideas will leave you appalled
>
> Milliken determined an electrons exact charge
> Because before it had been at large
> He used the oil drop experiment
> To discover that electrons mass and charge weren't variant
> He sprayed oil into a chamber giving them a negative charge
> Which was used to decrease the speed or enlarge
>
> Ernest Rutherford determined that atoms are mostly empty
> What he laid down was pretty hefty
> The gold foil experiment was his
 Now let's get right down to biz
He shot alpha particles at gold foil
Some went through some bounced back and others slid off like oil
In Rutherford's model he said
That there were protons in the middle and electrons on the outside but the middle was dead
His model was called the nuclear model
Now let's get Niles Bohr's ideas out of the bottle
He determined that electrons traveled in orbits
And the energy was increased in the outer forces
He made The model planetary
With the electrons floating around like fairies

James Chadwick discovered the neutron
Enough of that now let's MoveOn

Let's look at the trio of Louis de Brogilie, Warner Heisenberg and Erwin Schrodinger
The quantum mechanical model they were the depositors
They said electrons were like waves and particles
And weren't in orbits not even partial
There are different shape energy levels
Now I bet they didn't teach you that at Beville!