The Ballad of Husky Juice

Conglomerates and startups alike are placing bets on “enhanced” drinks that promise everything from better sleep to a more youthful complexion. While sales of such drinks are rising—up 11% in the past year to $3 billion, according to market-research firm Spins—hundreds of new ones are launched each year, and the majority peter out within a couple of years. Finding success involves the right mix of funding, taste, health claims and luck.  WSJ

Like that Tono-Bungay H.G. Wells wrote of before,

 elixirs by the hundreds cram the shelves of ev'ry store.

The fluid of the month today is labeled Husky Juice;

tis made with mountain waters and the sap of verdant spruce.

Containing sacred tana leaves from Egypt's dusty shore,

and trace amounts of gallium as well as hellebore,

Husky Juice is touted for the colic and the gout;

for rheumatic fever and for pickling fresh trout.

Amazon-dot-com has got it stocked, and Walgreen's too --

Elon Musk and Beyonce are serving it with stew.

It's antioxidental and will melt away the fat;

and once it is fermented it will help with dull chitchat.

So many people drink it that both Pepsi and big Coke

have tried to steal the formula with dagger and dark cloak.

Surely you have tasted it? It's vended in machines

from Punxsutawney USA to tropic Philippines.

But something started happening to those who drank this brew;

they broke out into blotches of bright green and red and blue.

The outcry was unanimous; the guilty folk that made

this poisonous elixir must be thrown in a stockade!

The CEO of Husky Juice did not give up the ship;

instead, he had his marketers convince kids it was hip

to have a skin of plaid instead of tattoos or nose ring --

and thus the money poured in and the till kept up its ring.

And now you know the story and can judge things for yourself;

should this parlous beverage remain upon the shelf?

I can think of liquors much more dangerous by half --

in fact I think I'll order me some in a large carafe . . .