The Crummiton Pill

Leaders from seven drugmakers representing $140 billion in U.S. revenue defended their pricing in a Senate hearing . . . . Executives . . .  pushed back on some of the proposals mentioned by lawmakers, especially linking the price paid for drugs in the U.S. to their cost overseas . . . 

WSJ

"This is the place where you'll tell us the truth!"

said a Senator to the Drug Lords.

"Don't bribe us with money or foreign vermouth;

we've none us us need your rewards."

The Senator pounded his gavel to mush;

such was his passionate haste

it caused all the pages to vividly blush

and swallow much library paste.

Senator Bellman (for such was his name)

glared at the Drug Lords with spite;

he wanted their egos to very much maim,

and give them a tumbelous fight.

Those Drug Lords sat back like a rack of roast beef,

with never a wink or a snort;

each one a cold-blooded and snatchering thief,

who thought gouging dollars good sport.

One was named Fatcher, another one Scropp,

and one was called Bashi-Bazouk;

then there was Hooner and Feepy and Mopp,

and two only answered to Ook.

Their lawyer replied to the Senator's sneers

by pulling his ears till they rang

with gongs like the ones in the city Algiers

when anyone wants to harangue.

He shuffled some papers and gave a broad wink,

then said that it might snow today --

implying the Senators needed to shrink

and ought to go jump in the hay.

And this caused an uproar that quietly spread

throughout the congressional floor

until legislators fell down as if dead

(and most of 'em started to snore.)

But Senator Bellman was not to be jinxed

or kept from demanding some proof

that all of those Drug Lords never had sphinxed

or sent prices right through the roof.

He cited the case of a Crummiton pill,

which used to cost less than a dime --

NOW it retailed for a couple of mill,

and was THAT not a serious crime?

"Pooh pooh" said the lawyer. "Pish tosh and belay;

such nonsense I never have heard."

"Crummiton pills are much cheaper than clay,

because they are laid by a bird."

"Ah ha!" cried our Bellman, suffused with delight,

"at last I have trapped you, my friend."

"The Crummiton bird is extinct, as is right,

and the pills are all made from hornblende!"

The lawyer, he made such a terrible face

that babies in Hartford did wail;

the Drug Lords out exits all started to race,

pursued by the janitor's pail.

Now all of the Drug Lords, including the Ooks,

are snugly ensconced in a cell

where guppies continually hand them rebukes

and give them brown apples to sell.

And pills and injections cost nothing at all,

or at least you can steal them with ease.

For Senator Bellman has won the long brawl

(and now swings on the flying trapeze.)

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