Nobody can say that reporter Art Raymond minces words or beats around the bush. That's because no one dares use any such flatulent cliches around him -- he is dedicated to the resuscitation of the English language, ridding it of all the stale flotsam and jetsam that have accumulated, especially in newspaper stories, over the past century.
Don't tell him something is 'trending.' He'll beat you over the head with a spud wrench and demand you use the word 'ubiquitous.' Avoid using exclamations like 'Wow!' and 'Booyah!' within earshot of him; he insists that the only proper interjection in English is "by the great horn spoon!"
"It has a robust ring to it" he says, as he polishes his stainless steel alpenstock in preparation for the arduous ascent of Mount Pisgah. Mr. Raymond dotes on rambling about the fallen arches and swollen arroyos of Utah. He has the largest geode collection west of the Kissimmee River.
How did such a stickler for the King's English ever get into the newspaper racket?
He was shanghaied.
As a young boy he developed the unfortunate habit of checking out library books and never returning them. When he was brought up on charges of booknapping before the Third District Court of Appeals, the judge gave him a choice: Either join the Merchant Marines or get a job as a newspaper reporter.
He chose the latter, and has proven to be a stellar scribbler. His recent report on the lime jello embargo won him the prestigious Heinie Manush Medallion.
His advice to those just starting out in journalism is to heed the philosophy of Lewis Carol's Humpty Dumpty: "Words mean just what I mean them to say."
His favorite food is marshmallow soup.
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