The front page said: "Run out of loo paper? The NT News cares. That's why we've printed an eight-page special liftout inside, complete with handy cut lines, for you to use in an emergency. Get your limited edition one-ply toilet newspaper sheets."
When toilet paper goes extinct
the likelihood is quite distinct
that other products must be found
to keep the world from being browned.
Catalogs may do the trick,
but frankly they are way too slick.
That glossy feel reminds me of
a doctor's prying latex glove.
And leaves from any plant or tree
will crumple inconveniently.
The French, of course, have found a way,
by spritzing with a cold bidet.
But such a geyser often leaks
and leaves you with red soggy cheeks.
I think that newsprint is ideal;
it's soft enough so you don't squeal.
Yet has some grit to thus insure
our derrieres are clean and pure.
Perhaps subscription rates will soar
as newspapers print more and more.
The power of the press, you see,
lies in its blot-ability.
The Sunday New York Times could keep
a fam'ly clean for months quite cheap!
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