No science is good science

WASHINGTON — The Trump administration has formally revised a proposal that would significantly restrict the type of research that can be used to draft environmental and public health regulations, a measure that experts say amounts to one of the government’s most far-reaching restrictions on science.

NYT

I hear it all the time from John Q. Public: "Let's have less science in our affairs -- not more!" 

The cry echoes from one end of the country to the other, usually in the form of "The only good scientist is a dead scientist."

I can't say I blame the unshriven masses for their doubts and hostility towards science and its practitioners. After all, it was scientists who began the whole global warming thing, measuring glaciers and gases and telling us that in a few more years we'd be living on an electric griddle turned to 'Pancakes.' And once they started beating that drum all sorts of freakish weather occurred, like that marshmallow Peeps blizzard in North Dakota during Easter that killed several dozen ranchers. Or that disturbing talking cloud that floated down onto Pleasant Grove, Utah, and bored everyone to death with its complaints about zephyrs. It finally lifted, but left behind several catatonic school crossing guards. If scientists had just kept their big fat mouths shut, none of that would have happened -- now would it?

I could go on with many more egregious examples of how science and scientists have abused our trust and confidence over the years, but now that I'm head of the Science Eradication Bureau up here on Capital Hill, I guess I don't have to explain myself to anybody. 

I get a good salary, a small apartment in the attic of the Library of Congress, and all the bean soup I can eat at the Senate cafeteria. Plus my powers are so broad and vague that I can do just as I please and nobody can gainsay me. So I do what I can to diminish the inroads of scientific research. For the benefit of the public.

Like for instance, I recently made it illegal to wear a white lab coat outside of a chiropractor's office. Those guys know what they're about -- but all those other so-called eggheads are just posing. It's so easy to take advantage of someone when you are wearing a white lab coat. I should know -- I got my current position by wearing one in front of a Congressional panel.

And you have me to thank for bringing back the slide rule. No more computers for American scientists -- nossir; if they want to work out an equation they can jolly well use an old fashioned slipstick. If it was good enough for Paracelsus it's good enough for these young brains today. And that's why we've lost the space race and been hacked to death by cyber bandits -- now our economy is one of simple barter and starvation. Which, in turn, provides impetus to a return to our pioneer values -- such as self-reliance, medicinal whisky, and buckshot. 

Of course my Bureau is not against prudent use of common everyday knowledge to better the lot of the American citizen. Far from it! In fact, I've set up a grant program that encourages the use of crystal balls and ouija boards to help predict future global weather patterns. 

The tarot cards are saying that we can expect dust storms in Alaska and a permanent high pressure system over the Wisconsin Dells. With contented polar bears becoming so numerous they obtain the right to vote in Maine. And all this, mind you, is done without mulcting the taxpayer of his or her hard-earned kopeks. The work is done for free by carnies, who only ask in return that they be allowed to run an occasional badger game in Georgetown. 

So if you happen to find one of those outmoded and reactionary scientists hiding in your basement, just email us at burnatthestake@fanatic.com, and we'll send 

over a team of experts to deal with the problem. (It's probably best if you leave your house quickly while we set up the sulfur bombs.)

And, for a limited time only, those who tell us the whereabouts of any chemist, researcher, or physicist, will be sent a free 100 percent cotton t-shirt that says "Save Your Brains for Fantasy Football!" 

They make great party favors.