Narrative Poem: The Red Apron Man.

 

The man in the red apron followed

me home from the thrift store.

He came right through my front

door after me.

"What do you want?" I asked him.

"I want to be loved and cared for"

he said simply.

His answer moved me intensely.

Because that's all I've ever wanted, too.

"Sit down and I'll feed you" I told him.

I brought him leftover chickpea salad 

and a hunk of buttered Irish soda bread.

Then he lay in front of the fireplace

and went to sleep.

I covered him with an old blanket.

Then sat in my recliner and began to think.

I was soon asleep as well.

When I woke up he was gone.

My silver ashtray was gone.

And the glass candy dish,

with Skittles in it. Gone.

Back at the thrift store they

didn't know where my red apron

man was. 

He lived on the street, they said.

He only worked there part-time,

on weekends. They said his name is

Rudy. But I call him my Red Apron Man.

I know he'll come back. He has to.

He left his red apron in my laundry hamper.

 

Today's Timericks: Skipping Breakfast. Crocs. Maleleuca Oil.

 

You must skip your breakfast meal

if real weight you want to peel.

So my doctor tells me thus.

I'm so hungry I could cuss!

Ham and eggs have gone the way

of Green Stamps and PTA. 

Must you wear a pair of socks

when you're in a pair of Crocs?

Summer's here, and socks are out.

Though I'm labeled as a lout

when at church I wear 'em bare;

I think it is debonair. 

Ev'yone with fervor boils

over some essential oils.

Melaleuca, cloves or myrrh,

they are guaranteed to cure

ev'rything from warts to flu --

welcome to the new voodoo!

 

Today's Timericks: What is ESG and why is Glenn Beck blaming high gas prices on it?

 

the social agenda of some

is making me look like a bum.

tho try as I might,

I lean to the right;

I'm boycotted like green pond scum.

 

 

From out the woodwork, crawling fast,

bill collectors unsurpassed

find so many subprime duds

it delights their grim taste buds.

Are you broke and deep in debt?

They're coming for you with a net.

Parents, don't go out tonight.

You're in for a terrible fright.

Your child, babysat,

by new caveat

will cost you more than chrysolite.

I clock in late and go on break,

the work piles up in stacks.

I take a little nappy-poo

and otherwise am lax.

I'm just a body here at work;

the boss would have to scramble

if she fired me today --

cuz hiring's a gamble!

Today's Timericks. Pork and Beans. Donald Trump.

 

the ads for burgers always show

meat with juiciness aglow.

french fries plump and crispy, too;

milk shakes thicker than most glue.

so I see on TV screens

as I sit home with pork & beans.

Covid moved in years ago

and can't be budged with a back hoe.

It's in our blood and in our lungs

and in our minds and on our tongues.

We cannot take it to the dump --

it's really just like Donald Trump!

 

 

Today's Timericks: Thrift Stores Raise Prices (WSJ)

 Today's Timericks:  Thrift Stores Raise Prices (WSJ)

I went into a thrifty store

to see about a cuspidor.

But prices for used mason jars

are higher than for pure gold bars.

It costs too much to save a buck --

again, the poor are out of luck!

Netflix Cuts About 150 Staffers in Another Round of Layoffs,

(WSJ)

Welcome to the world of work,

where a lay off soon will lurk.

Just when you are feeling safe,

you become a corporate waif.

Just stay at home and be a slacker;

you can work part-time as hacker!

 

 

New Federal Report Shows Two-Decade Surge in Gun Manufacturing

(WSJ) 

Making guns, you cannot lose

money -- just like making booze.

Ready markets always panting

for your stuff to fuel their ranting.

Immoral it may be to some;

you don't get rich with chewing gum!

 

 

 

@CharlesPassy there are free lunches at grubhub

if you can wade through the hub-bub.

I'd rather breakfast be for free;

I'd savor more each calorie.

But since my wishes count for naught

I'll daydream with some food for thought.

 

 

Luck, among other things.

 I haven't had a bit of luck since 1982;

and so I think my sinking ship must now be overdue.

 When at last it does arrive, with treasure loaded down --

I'll miss my step upon the pier and like enough I'll drown.

Bob Cummings was an actor rare;

he kept his figure and his hair.

In movies, radio, TV,

he was the perfect droll emcee.

The reason for this rhyming phlegm --

 he's on all night on TCM.

I wished upon a star one eve

about my upper-most pet peeve.

 That lying politicians fry

as cooks in any junior high.

Failing that, I'd be content

to see them barreled to ferment.

(or buried underneath cement.)

Narrative Poem: Just try and cancel your Washington Post subscription!

 

 

just try and cancel your

washington post subscription.

go on, I dare you.

I've tried. for two months.

and failed.

it makes a man whimper.

he feels lower than the dead sea.

Things started out happy 

between us.

But then I needed that ten

bucks a month to keep me

in bagels and cream cheese

when prices went up.

so I tried to call and email.

Bupkis.

so I went to my account settings today;

then to help;

then to frequently asked questions;

then help center;

then subscriptions;

then to cancel a digital subscription only;

then to chat.

the box said I am talking to 

Loreve.

she wrote 'please give me

a moment while I look up

your account.'

then she wrote (I'm assuming

Loreve is female, but who knows?)

"please send me your credit card transaction

code.'

so I did.

she found my account under an

old email address.

Huh.

so I'm paid up through June 6th.

and Loreve canceled it after that.

Huh.

guess I got nuthin' to complain

about after all.

dammit. that shoots this poem

all to hell . . .  

Narrative Poem: Bedbugs.

 I threw down the newspaper and chortled.

"Lookit this!" I said to the wife.

"Bedbugs infest posh New York City Hotels."

She didn't respond.

"All those rich people, itching and scratching"

I said in high glee. "Serves 'em right!"

She came over to me, grim-faced.

"Lookit this!" she said bitterly.

She had a squashed bug in her hand.

"I found it in our bed!"

"Is it . . . ?" I began.

"Yeah" she said. "It's a bedbug!"

"Oy vey!" I moaned. "Bedbugs here in

Muscatine Iowa!"

Just then the doorbell rang.

It was a special delivery letter

addressed to me. I ripped it open.

"Hey!" I said. "My Uncle Harry passed

away and left us forty million dollars!"

"Let's get out of this bug-infested burg!"

urged the wife.

So we did.

We burned every stick of furniture and every

bit of clothing and started over.

We moved to the Big Apple. New York City.

We bought a mansion on Fifth Avenue.

We had a Swedish mattress so expensive that

three security guards escorted it up into our

bedroom.

And it had bedbugs!

They bit us until we were scratching

our welts and bleeding on the expensive

furniture. Made of teakwood, most of it.

So we moved out. Sold the place at a loss.

Went to San Francisco. Found a townhouse

on a hill painted in pastels. 

Our new mattress was made of magnetic

fiberglass -- guaranteed to kill any and all

vermin.

But then CNN ran a series of reports saying

that magnetic fiberglass causes cancer.

And attracts bedbugs. 

We had the townhouse demolished.

We fled to Canberra in Australia to collect

heritage sheep fleeces.

It's a well-known fact that kangaroos

eat bedbugs, so they don't have very many

in the country.

That's when we discovered the joys

of hosting sheep lice.

So I divorced my first wife and married

a centipede. Our eggs are many. We

hide them in warm dark moist places.

Novel. The Old Funeral Home. Chapter Five. Part Three. H&R Block.

 

My Beloved. Her last day at H&R Block was Thursday

March 21. 2022. The work left her exhausted. So we

drove up to Idaho for vacation. To an unheated house.

Chapter 5 part 3

Scientists today are probably working on an algorithm or mathematical formula that will explain and categorize love. I wish them well. Several of our children have used online dating services. Which rely on algorithms to some extent. My beloved has told me that she has used online platforms to scrutinize erstwhile boyfriends. Me, I have never had any truck with such fiddle-faddle. But then again, I am not such a big believer in premortal arrangements that inevitably lead to a couple meeting and marrying. I guess, if I were pressed, I’d have to say I think the best way to find love and companionship is on the wing. Marriage, in my uninformed opinion, is the biggest gamble in the world. It also gives you the biggest jackpot in the world. By miraculous circumstances, which I believe are providential, I staked everything on a beautiful woman. My Beloved. Up at the old funeral home in Tioga. And I lost everything. The shirt off my back. But then I won it all back again, in spades. “In spades” is no longer politically correct. It refers to the game of birdge. But it suits my situation perfectly, so I'm using it. If you want to sue me for it, join the line that’s already formed.

Some people think they can program their life. That there’s an app online through the internet of things that will tell them what to think, tell them what to do, tell them what to not eat, tell them when to get up. Tell them who to vote for and tell them when to go to bed. But to paraphrase W.C. Fields: “Anyone who hates apps and bitcoin can’t be all bad.”

I don’t know exactly how My Beloved reacts to such old codger crankiness.  Since she herself has been intimately involved with many different programs online while working as a tax preparer for H&R block this year. She has spent the last four months online preparing taxes for the kind of people who eventually wind up walking around wearing nothing but a barrel. You pay taxes with money and money is almost as interesting to most people as sex. So we will change formats. Change gears, so to speak.  With a Q and A session with me and My Beloved. I am the Q and she is the A.

Q:  How did you first get involved with H&R Block?

A: I was looking for work. Many applications had gone out to many people. Marie Olson responded to my application and the rest is history. Marie Olson, I later learned, is a supervisor over the Provo District in corporate H&R Block.  That district covers the geographic area between American Fork on the north to Santaquin on the south and west of the Uinta Mountains, east of the Tooele Mountains. She is responsible for hiring assistants and Customer Service Persons for the various offices which require them. I was hired as an assistant to the busiest tax preparer in the district. Marie and I got along famously from the first time I met her. Her familiar manner was comforting to me. She felt a kinship with me as well and we have been friends ever since. She is my boss and I do anything she wants. She is always good to ask if I can do things instead of assume that I will be available if the time is different than what I signed up for. 

Q:  You once told me, in fact you have told me several times, that you do boring well. Is that part of the attraction for doing taxes for others at H&R Block?

A:  Nope. As an assistant to a tax preparer I could use the skills I had learned and acquired from the various offices I had been a part of. Using different programs and understanding the nuances of upgrades as well as limitations in programs helped. I had learned to scan many confidential documents and save to files. I had learned to work with a spreadsheet and manage accounting there. I understood about state tax and federal tax and Medicare and the percentages for each. All this is boring to someone who is not interested in bookkeeping or accounting. Yet these are the nuts and bolts of the organization for whom I work. I don’t consider this boring work. My job was to do whatever the tax preparer needed whether scanning, or data entry, or creating a document, or answering emails, or making phone calls, or setting appointments. I learned many of the finer points of the company well before I took the course for tax preparing. If I had not been introduced to the company this way it would have been a shock to enter the workforce of H&R Block after I took the class to be a tax preparer. The course is designed to educate a person about tax laws. It is not designed to teach you how to work the data entry software for H&R Block. There are several programs in which to work for keeping records at H&R Block.. Each has a purpose and the corporate team is always working on upgrades for better service to clients.

If there is a time that something is boring to me it’s most likely that it is tedious. Something that is tedious to me is very interesting to someone else and visa versa. I’m getting better at telling people no if it is going to be tedious beyond repair for me.

************************

We take a break here to pull a pan of french fries out of the oven . . . 

*******

Q:  Can you please describe for our readers a typical H&R Block Program that you are familiar with?

A:  I’m not sure what you mean.

Q:  Well, then, describe for us what you do for clients.

A:  I do many things. If I lead with a question “How may I help you today?” and not assume that I am doing their taxes, I get various answers that quickly allows me to help their situation. It can be anything from looking at a letter from IRS to sorting out their receipts for tax deductions on a small business. Of course the most frequent duty is to prepare their taxes for federal and state 1040 submission to IRS. The submission of federal and state income tax reports involves using the secure company program which has a direct line to IRS. It’s one-way so that if we submit the information we have access to what we submit. We don’t have access to IRS records if we have not submitted to them.

Q:  Thank you for that explanation, dear. What do you consider to be the best part of working at H&R Block as a tax preparer.

A:  People. Everyone is different. Everyone has a story. They come to H&R Block once a year and tell what has happened in the year. If the tax person is new to them they get to tell their whole life story in the 50 minute interview time. I like to find connections and comment about what I notice.

Q:  if you could change anything about your work at H&R Block what would it be?

A:  People. Some people are naturally fearful, drama prone, complaining, expecting and assuming. I do my best to assuage the fear and drama. Complainers need to have someone listen so I do. Those with unreasonable expectations I can usually refer to another more experienced tax pro. The assuming ones usually make an ass of you and me before we’re done.

Q:  One last question. What kind of personality and talent do you think are needed to succeed as a tax preparer at H&R Block.

A:  You need to be the kind of person who will connect with the people you serve. You will want to be able to remember things so you can help in various situations because not everyone is the same.  The laws are constantly changing so keeping up with them is another skill but the company helps with that as they require and provide annual class work to update you on new tax law changes.

Haiku: 風があなたの目を振る The wind shakes your eyes.

 

The wind shakes your eyes 

so the souls of the trees move

and the clouds sashay.

風があなたの目を揺さぶる-

だから木の魂が動く

と雲のサシェイ。

The wind shakes your eyes

while the mountains turn to dust

and the sparrows glide.

風があなたの目を振る
山がほこりに変わる間
そしてスズメは滑空します。

The wind shakes your eyes

so the stones start to rattle --

little twigs run home.

風があなたの目を振る
石がガタガタ鳴り始めます-
小さな小枝が家に帰ります