A Letter to my Daughter

Harold Lloyd

Hva er nytt i livet ditt?  That’s Norski for “what’s up, doc?”

I just got back from the Fresh Market store, kitty corner from my building. I went in to get a bagel and cream cheese for my dinner (I had a big helping of lasagne made by Steve’s wife Doris and a big green salad for lunch) but ended up spending over fifty bucks for this-n-that: some cold fried chicken, donut holes, and a can of Western Family Premium Mixed Nuts (no peanuts) for the High Priest’s Group Leadership meeting this coming Sunday afternoon. I’m the secretary and host the meeting at my place, so I always put out a little snack for the brethren -- there’s usually about four of ‘em that show up. Last Sunday they embarrassed me somewhat by taking up a collection and giving me twenty dollars for all the previous snacks I’ve laid out for them. I took the money, but it didn’t sit too well with me -- I like to treat people to a little something when they come over, and I don’t count the pennies. I don’t know where I got that tradition from; my folks certainly never did it. When people came to visit our house they got coffee or whisky mixed with 7-up. and nothing else.

Let’s see, what else did I buy? A gallon of 2 percent milk (doctor’s orders: cut out the whole milk.) Some sliced turkey and ham, and sliced Swiss Cheese, to make sandwiches with (except I forgot to buy any bread -- drat!) 4 packs of ramen noodles, beef flavored, for a dollar. 3 roma tomatoes. A Top Care brand toothbrush for 69 cents. An apple pie to take over to Sarah’s house on Sunday (she invited me over for Sunday dinner.) a case of purified water that was on sale for $2.89. I’ve been buying bottles of kombucha lately, cuz Sarah and Steve love to drink that stuff -- but I passed on it today because it’s so dang expensive. $3.49 a bottle! I love my kids, but not THAT much . . .

Then some cheap Shasta pop and a couple quarts of Gatorade; I get so thirsty at night, cuz I sleep with my mouth open, and I feel like I’m more dehydrated than a sandstorm, so I like to have that stuff to guzzle. I think that’s about it. It’s all still sitting in my little collapsible wire cart, by the front door, so I’d better hustle my bustle and put it all away. I’ll be right back . . .

Okay, I’m back. That was thirsty work, so I cracked open a quart of watermelon strawberry Gatorade and drank about half of it. Tasted mighty good.

Of course, now that I’ve spent all this money that I didn’t budget for, I no longer have enough in the bank to buy more minutes for my Tracfone, which has exactly 7 minutes left on it. Not until my Social Security comes in next week. So I’ve turned the phone off for the weekend. Which isn’t a problem to me. I’m getting way too many calls for help from the old bats that live in this senior citizen apartment building. They want me to come up and move their couches and change their light bulbs, or give me deviled eggs or reach up high for something in the kitchen. Bah, I’m not cut out to be a kindly old gentleman -- I’m meant to be a crabby old fart! I just want to stay in my apartment, taking long naps, reading long books, eating long meals, and watching long movies. That Boy Scout stuff is for the birds. So, my phone is off for the weekend and I hope I can be left alone to sit in a thoughtless stupor. Of course I promised to help clean the chapel tomorrow morning, Saturday, in a moment of weakness. But that was only a case of temporary insanity.

Well, it’s exactly 5:30 p.m., and that bagel on the kitchen counter is looking like it could use a thick coat of cream cheese and then be slid gracefully down my gullet. After that I’ll clean up the dishes, write some haiku, say my prayers, and sink into a comfortable movie. I found a good Harold Lloyd film, Movie Crazy, on Youtube. It’s in mint condition, even though it’s over 70 years old. Lloyd was one of the great silent comedians, like Chaplin and Keaton, but nobody knows about him today. I really love his work -- watching his silent films back in Minneapolis as a teenager at the University of Minnesota Film Society on Friday nights was one of the main inspirations that got me to apply to the Ringling Clown College. I gave Adam a complete collection of Harold Lloyd films on DVD for his birthday when he first got married, but he told me he never watched any of them because Adrienne was bored by them. He gave them away. None of you kids have ever watched a silent movie all the way through, have you? What a pity.

– To bed, To bed,

Says Sleepy-head.

– Tarry a while, Says Slow.

– Put on the pan,

Says Greedy Nan;

– We'll sup before we go!"

Love, the dadster.