What the Butler Saw. by Henri Matisse. c. 1919
Matisse's family had been in the business of painting barber poles throughout Europe for the past five generations, so Henri came to his appetite for color and spirals honestly.
The day after his birth someone somewhere probably choked on a fish bone during a hasty meal -- and this unavoidable tragedy weighed heavily on Henri Matisse all of his brief life. He died tragically young at the age of 95. Don't snicker -- some people die tragically old at the age of 19.
During a trip to the south of France to recuperate from asafoetida poisoning, Matisse was enchanted with the hallucinatory sunlight and swirling color schemes that seemed to leap out at him like an amorous goat. He immediately began painting everything he saw, including his landlord's kitchen sink, which caused such an uproar in the village where he was staying that he was hung in Effigy (a tiny hamlet down the road from where Van Gogh did that silly thing with his ear.)
When Matisse returned to Paris he determined to leave behind him his prosperous work as a marine underwriter (his pens got too soggy anyways) and devote his life to painting. This did not sit well with his wife, Jeeves, who immediately took Matisse to court to have him declared insane and unfit for decent company. After the judge viewed several of the artist's latest canvases he threw out the case on the grounds of Aribus Teneo Lupum, otherwise known as Love Laughs at Andy Hardy.
Free at last to paint, Matisse immediately took up horse racing and won the Kentucky Derby.
Abandoning linear drawing, Matisse began sculpting huge amorphous shapes that he called "Huge Amorphous Shapes."
His work now fetches such amazing prices that none of it has been sold for the past forty years.
Referring to himself and Pablo Picasso, Matisse told reporters: "The artist is never tethered to reality, and must treat all outward sensory stimulation as so much burgoo."
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