"I'll be with you in a New York minute"
I said to her on my phone,
in the lobby of a busy Federal building downtown.
Then I put my mask back on.
Suddenly whistles began to screech
and gongs began to reverberate,
like in a World War Two movie
when the sub has to crash dive.
Several people in expensive business suits
fainted dead away at my feet.
Children clung to their mothers,
wide eyed with terror and loathing.
Two cops pinioned me to the wall.
The first cop snarled
"Caught in the act -- profiling!"
The second cop put me in handcuffs
before barking "You'll get life for this!"
I was led away to a judge, who
looked at me the way an owl
looks at a field mouse.
"I'm from New York, son"
he said sternly. "And I suppose
you don't care for our bagels, either!"
I wanted to explain, but my pro bono lawyer
advised me to throw myself on the
mercy of the court.
That was a big mistake.
I was led away to a correction facility
far away in New Jersey.
The first night they put me in a room
filled with inflated balloons;
they kept popping at random intervals.
I didn't get a wink of sleep.
Next day they fed me on nothing but
pot stickers -- with only
fry sauce as a dip.
"This is an abomination!" I screamed
through the bars.
No one responded.
And so it continued.
I was hooked up to electrodes,
which then did nothing.
Nothing at all.
I nearly lost my mind.
Several times a week they
brought in Bob Ross to teach
me watercolors.
Now I hate the very sight
of mountains and pine trees.
After several months
I was a mere shadow of a man.
I had bags under my eyes
the size of Mount Rushmore.
But somehow I survived.
After twenty long years they released me.
"You're free to go now, friend"
said the Warden kindly,
as he gave me ten dollars
and a clean pair of socks.
He opened the gate to the outside
world. I blinked at the bright sunlight.
"Gee" I said happily, "it must be summer."
"It's hotter than a Texas pistol."
This time I got sent to
Coney Island.
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