Greg Jaffe. Superhero.
(Author's note: Most journalists have very drab and flabby professional biographies. They are boring and uninformative. As a public service I have taken it upon myself to rewrite their life stories, one reporter at a time. I think you'll agree that after my treatment they are much more interesting and have a real shot at the Pulitzer Prize and/or a Hollywood contract.)
Although he possesses a mere BA in English from Williams College, Greg Jaffe has become one of the most potent super heroes on the East Coast, while masquerading as an inquisitive national security reporter for the Washington Post.
Among his many astonishing powers is the ability to never pay for a cup of coffee when he goes out with colleagues to Starbucks. Through the exercise of a psychic kinetic link that is but poorly understood yet by science, he can 'influence' his friends and associates to pick up the tab, and feel good about it. The money he saves with this strange skill is donated to an island compound for abandoned iguanas in the Galapagos.
Another of his weird talents is sneezing in Esperanto -- an obscure language that once threatened to overtake the civilized world prior to World War One. His timely sternutations have been known to stop filibustering Senators in their tracks, and to cause cloudbursts in the McMurdo Dry Valleys of Antarctica.
He once ate an entire McDonald's Happy Meal without ever saying "I know it's not good for me, but it sure tastes good." The repercussions of this startling episode are still being felt in Ulaanbaatar and Oaugadougou.
Unknown to the general public, which worships him like an ancient Greek god, Jaffe hides a secret affliction that may end his superhero career prematurely; he is allergic to paperclips. They make him break out in Silly String. Should his enemies ever discover this Achilles heel they will exploit it unmercifully until Jaffe is forced to flee to his covert base of operations at the Montgomery Advertiser -- there to remain as circulation manager for the rest of his days.
Greg speaks sevplayseral foreign languages -- none of which anyone else recognizes. He plays the bass zither. And enjoys collecting donkey's ears.
Mr Jaffe kindly emailed his reaction to his portrait, thus:
Well… this is surprisingly accurate. I enjoy Starbucks and Happy Meals!
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"It's all Greek to me!"
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