What does it take to become the Superintendent of Abkhazia? It takes guts, determination, honesty, unflinching pulchritude, and a keen eye for zinc oxide formations in the Dolomites. All of these attributes John Hudson has in abundance. And that is why this past year, amidst the traditional pomp and noise of Abkhazian nose flutes and whiffle ball doubleheaders, Mr. Hudson became the 201st Superintendent of Abhakzia.
It was not an easy path that John had to trod to reach this personal triumph. As a child he was afflicted with chestnut blight, and barely survived the anarchy that followed the dissolution of the Elmo Lincoln Society. He had to work his way through Michigan State University as a face painter with the circus -- taking long distance courses on the internet when the show was stranded in Penn Yan in the Finger Lakes region for sixteen months due to a severe infestation of rabid millipedes.
After graduating with a degree in international relations, John shipped out to sea on a cruise liner as a lime rickey specialist. He saw action in the Celebes Sea and off the coast of the Kra Peninsula. When his vessel docked at Addis Ababa he jumped ship for a chance to bicycle across the Great Rift Valley with the Gwinnett Stripers, where he came to the attention of a talent scout from Dollywood -- who hired him as a bouncer. From there it was just a matter of months before the Washington Post inevitably picked him up as their overseas correspondent.
When the former Superintendent of Abkhazia, Turhan Bey, was forced to abdicate because of his uncontrollable anchovy fetish, there was no doubt in anyone's mind that only John Hudson could take over and restore the former integrity and sagacity of the Superintendent's position. His reforms to date include phasing out the antiquated Rite of Bloomers Pinching and updating the Abkhazian alphabet to include the letters 'P', 'D', and 'Q.'
His autobiography, which is due out in the spring, is called "How Granola Saved Western Civilization."
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"Bonkers, if you ask me."
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