Narrative Poem: The Nuclear Winter.

 

My Dear Children;

The nuclear winter was not as bad as we thought it would be.

Oh sure, lots of people went missing; they were never found in the rubble. But surprisingly enough almost all the people who really mattered in government, education, science, and the arts, survived.

I’m glad to say that our extended family only lost a few aunts, uncles, and a smattering of cousins. For the most part, we were all still here – ready to start over again!

And don’t let anyone tell you we had to start from scratch, with our bare hands! No Siree!

The banks still functioned. The trains ran. Side streets were passable. Bicycles were being given away. 

And, praise be, the supermarkets continued to do a land office business. Don’t ask me how they got their produce, or from where – I never asked, and I never really wanted to know. I mean, c’mon, do you really care if bananas are purple and hamburger glows green in the dark? Food is food. We had plenty to eat. And the earth, far from being sterile and contaminated, gave forth abundantly. Remember that bacon tree in our backyard?  The one that produced long strips of crispy brown bacon each spring? The wheat crop never failed, and the chickens laid eggs like crazy. I never paid much attention to those rural fairy tales about the bull men who snuck up on you in the dark out in a field to gore you with their horns. Or the pig-things that went ‘oink’ but flew up into the trees at the least disturbance. Somebody’s idea of a joke, I’m sure.

Here in the city I went back to work a few weeks after nuclear winter started. It was pleasant to walk through the drifting snow to my office hole. 

One benefit of the extended cold and snow that everyone recognizes is that it got rid of the Covid virus once and for all. No more masks or shots. No more sick days (for the virus – everyone gets lots of sick days for radiation poisoning.) As a community, we all discovered that a full set of teeth wasn’t all that important. You can chew just as well with two teeth as with twenty. 

Now you may laugh, kids, when I tell you this, but ten years ago most people had hair on top of their heads. Men, women, and children! Of course we know now that facial hair is very unhealthy and unsanitary – it breeds all sorts of parasites. And it eats up so much time each day to take care of!

I’m so glad we are all rid of the curse of hair nowadays.

And now, kids, I have some very special news for you. Your mother and I have finally metastasized enough to begin that final phase of our radioactive transformation. Yes, that’s right — we now have the ability to defecate cryptocurrency!  I can unload Bitcoin, and your mother dumps Ethereum. Isn’t that wonderful? Now our comfort in old age is assured. And don’t worry, you kids will be getting plenty of this windfall. After it’s been cleaned up a bit.

I hope this missive finds you well and not growing any more heads.

Love,

Heinie Manush.