Erich Schwartzel, film industry reporter for the Wall Street Journal
Young Erich Schwartzel knew he would grow up to write about Hollywood and the movies. From a very tender age, when he was still on all fours, he began lisping the names of character actors from Hollywood's Golden Age:
"Fwankwin Pangborn"
"Hoo Herby"
"Hobart Cavanaughty"
"Zasu Patty-cake"
He won a full scholarship to the Mickey Rooney Acting Academy at the age of fifteen, and never looked back.
His penetrating critiques of blockbusters, Leonard Maltin mashups, and the occasional Bollywood foofaraw, have not gone unnoticed by the likes of Rupert Murdoch, who calls Schwartzel "Just Another Tax ID Number."
His work is often reprinted in prestigious scholastic journals, such as the Muncie Indiana Star Press and the L.L. Bean catalog.
A very private person, Schwartzel refuses to divulge his marital status, his alma mater, his shoe size, or even the name of his barber. But journalism experts speculate that Schwartzel is the former Hunarian architect Erno Rubik who has used plastic surgery and goat gland injections to alter his appearance and voice -- although his love of Ben & Jerry's Grand Goulash ice cream should be a dead giveaway.
Paparazzi often catch Schwartzel playing Parcheesi with Cate Blanchett or reading tea leaves alongside Cameron Diaz, but the handsome reporter insists he is not in a relationship with anyone except his personal shopper.
When asked his opinion of the future of the movie industry, Schwartzel is quick to opine that "Everyone likes the movies except the public."
He is co-author, along with Tom Cruise, of 'The Gourmet's Guide to Cooking with Bosco,' which is now in its eleventh printing.
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