Clean Noses. (Prose Poem)

Mount Pinky. Felbish Range. Wootland.

In Tuesday’s debate, Warren and Buttigieg both said their personal mottos come from scripture. Buttigieg cited a theme that appears in multiple parts of the Bible: “If you would be a leader, you must first be a servant.” Warren cited Matthew 25, which says, in part: “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” Biden appeared in a CNN town hall Wednesday — Ash Wednesday — with ashes on his forehead.

Michelle Boorstein. Washington Post. 

I've enjoyed many different religions over a long and graveled lifetime.

As a child I worshiped the Mississippi River. 

It's brown, smelly waters spoke to my soul of churning hope.

Whenever I caught a carp with my cane pole I would rip its heart out and eat it raw. Hoping, I guess, to gain its sang-froid in the face of living in such a polluted environment. 

As a teenager I joined the Church of Surliness -- taking a vow of silence as far as my parents were concerned. But my tongue began to fuse to the roof of my mouth, so I became a dairy advocate instead. We built a mountain of cottage cheese in Nebraska that would still be there if it weren't for the Anti-Lactosites. 

As a religious refugee I found shelter with the Umish in Pennsylvania. They don't really believe in much, so they go around saying "Um . . . " a lot. I was so impressed with their lack of fanaticism that I asked to join their community. 

That would have been it for me, religiously speaking, except that I met a Grumbletonian from Oxford and fell in love with her. We eloped one moon-lit night and lived like Hobbits for many happy years. When she died I decided there was no real system of faith to which my allegiance could be given, so I moved to Utah and became a Jack Mormon. I made so many friends who wanted to reform me that eventually I started my own political party and became Governor. I was later thrown out of office for giving candy to babies. 

Today I relax on my ant farm and never give the afterlife any thought at all. Like Voltaire, I tend my garden and keep my nose clean.

And clean noses, as we all know, are next to godliness.