Common Garden Pests and What to do About Them

Spring has arrived, and the mistle thrush is in full-throated hue and cry.  The good black mold is being turned and spaded; soon the seeds and transplants will be sucking up the juice of their Mother Earth.  The garden will bring forth its tender and succulent harvest for us to enjoy.

But before that happens, we need to brace ourselves for the onslaught of many common garden pests – those nasty things that can turn a day in the garden into a hellish nightmare.  Below I offer some ways and means of dealing with these unwelcome pests, as well as a description of these beasties.  In battle, it is always wise to “know your enemy”.

·       The “Know-it-all” Neighbor.  (Nosicus Parkerii)  These noxious creatures are sure to show up just as your tomatoes and cucumbers are doing well.  They are most active in the evening, usually ambling over with a smug expression and a stout beverage in hand (of which they never offer you a sip).  They can be recognized by their annoying cry of:  “I wouldn’t muck about the cabbages like that, old boy – not good for the roots, you know.”  They usually hover nearby whenever there is any hard work to be done, offering gloomy advice but never lifting a finger to help.  They all have bad backs.  The best way to get rid of them is to spread fertilizer around them with reckless abandon (or a manure spreader) and watch them scamper away in disgust.  To keep them from coming back, a vicious Rottweiler does the job nicely.

·       Bigfoot Junior.  (Stumblebummus ridiculo).  This annoying invader invariably shows up at dinner time, often claiming to be your son or daughter.  After eating you out of house and home they like to trample through the garden, crushing and smashing delicate berry plants and tender blossoms with their gangly arms and gigantic feet.  If left unchecked they can destroy a full hectare of ripening vegetables in just minutes.  They can be recognized by their moon faces and ungainly stride, as if they’d been up at the pub too long (which they probably have).  They can be controlled, but not completely eradicated, by sending them back to school early if young, and enlisting them in the Royal Navy if they are older.

·       The Silent Picker.  (Snatchit rapidus).  These stealthy visitors often come in the guise of distant relatives or old friends, who are just passing through and thought they’d drop in for a look at your garden.  What they are really after, of course, are your tomatoes, lettuce, and broad beans.  They are easily identified by the enormous, empty hand baskets they always bring with them.  They won’t leave your garden until they have filled up the baskets with your produce, offering only a restrained ‘thankyou’ for all the free bounty.  Should you be unwise enough to refuse their veiled request, they will simply wait until your back is turned, and then help themselves. The best way to deal with them is to stealthily fill a syringe with ipecac and inject it into the biggest, plumpest, ripest greengage you have, and make sure the Silent Picker takes it home with them.  You will not be troubled with another visit.

It is always a good idea to put a sign up on your garden fence that advises:  WE SPRAY FOR UNWANTED VISITORS.  This will keep many pests away without the use of landmines or shotguns, which can be awkward when the police show up.  And do always remember, green thumbs up!