Restaurant Review: The Sensuous Sandwich in Provo

There is nothing sensuous about a sandwich -- unless you're making one naked in the kitchen with a similarly unattired Kate Upton. However, in the interests of the public weal, I ventured forth this blustery afternoon to the Sensuous Sandwich on Center Street in downtown Provo to order their namesake sandwich. And this is my report:

The decor is, to borrow a felicitous phrase from Groucho Marx, of the 'crummy moronic' type. The booths are impossibly uncomfortable -- I could not fit into any of them. The walls are plastered with idiotic posters, most of them taped on and starting to peel off. There are several Wayne's World posters, and I was particularly repulsed by one that detailed a host of interesting facts about flatulence.

My six inch sub included ham, turkey, roast beef, and jack cheese. The flaccid meats were overwhelmed by even more flaccid shredded lettuce and paper thin tomato slices. My fountain drink cost extra. The whole shebang came to $5.89. I did not so much eat my sandwich as endure it. This place gets exactly 1 Burp -- and that's only because at least I did not get ptomaine poisoning. I'm thinking a Subway's would clean up in downtown Provo, if this is all the sandwich competition there is. A shrink-wrapped ready-made sandwich from Fresh Market down the street would have tasted better, and cost less.

Since my meal held absolutely no interest for me, I started pondering something that has puzzled me for years. This place offers fountain drinks in four sizes: small, medium, large, and extra large. The prices are $1.39; $1.69; $1.89; and $2.09, respectively. So far so good. But no matter what size you order, you can get all the free refills you want. So why on earth do people pay the most for the largest sized cup when they could get just as much pop with the smallest cup? All they have to do is walk up to the dispenser a few more times. I checked each booth, and everyone had either the large or the extra large cup. What does this say about the kind of people who eat and drink in such a place?

I'm pretty sure a straw poll taken right then and there would have revealed they all voted for Trump.