Crazy Henry banged on my door at two in the morning.
"Whatsa matter with you?" I yelled at him as I let him in.
"I just got word that the Red Headed League has set off bombs all over town!" he replied excitedly. "They're targeting everyone with blonde or brunette hair! We could be next!"
"That's the biggest load of baloney I ever heard" I told him. "Whaddya mean Red Headed League, anyway? That's out of an old Sherlock Holmes story or sumpthin'."
Crazy Henry spun around and locked my door, then dragged my couch over to block it.
"Stop that!" I commanded him. "You're having some kind of waking dream or psychic break. Your noodle is fried from all those podcasts you been listenin' to."
"Just turn on the TV and see if I been makin' it up" he said breathlessly. So I turned on the boob tube and there was nothin' on but reruns and Latvian hockey.
"See?" I said patiently. "You are imagining things once again, like that time you thought Zsa Zsa Gabor was your godmother." I got him a glass of warm milk and settled him in my recliner. He was soon asleep, snoring like a silkworm. I put a Hudson Bay blanket over him and went back to my own bed. Crazy Henry was going to have to be put in a Home one of these days, I thought to myself as I drifted away.
Next morning Crazy Henry slept late, so I was up and gone before he stirred. When I got back home that night he was still there, making navy beans and fatback with corn bread baking in the oven.
"That's nice of you to do" I commented as I hung up my marlin spike.
But when I looked into his eyes I immediately saw he was ensorcelled by those damn podcasts again. I sighed and sat down in the recliner. "What is it now?" I asked patiently.
"They're giving away free money down at the Federal Reserve Bank downtown!" he whispered. "We should get down there before it's all gone."
I went into the kitchen and brought back a brown paper bag. "Here" I said, "put my share in the bag with yours -- I'm too pooped to pop tonight. I'm gonna watch NCIS and then go to bed."
"Anything for a pal" he said warmly before leaving.
I didn't see Crazy Henry again for a week or so. Then I went over to his place Saturday morning to see if he wanted to go to the fudge brownie festival with me that afternoon. I found him stacking wads of fifty dollar bills on his coffee table.
"Here's your share" he said, handing me a pile of cash that would choke a goat.
"This from the Federal Reserve Bank downtown?" I asked him.
"Yep" he said. "Next week they're giving away a part of Greenland. First come, first served."
I put the money in the same brown paper bag I had given him the week before and went home. I put the money under my bed, expecting it to be gone the next morning like pixie gold. But it was still there, so I sent it to my sister who needed an operation.
She's doing fine now, thanks.
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