Crazy Henry Gets Married.

I hadn't seen Crazy Henry in a while. His iguana had gotten sick. An iguana, I might add, that he insisted was a monkey, not a lizard. So anyway he took the thing down to Guatemala in the hopes that the tropical heat and moisture would cheer it up and cure it of whatever malady it had.

Crazy Henry called to invite me over when he got back from Guatemala. He sure sounded cheery and was definitely not suffering from any kind of malady, so I walked over and gave the old 'shave-and-a-haircut-two-bits' knock on his door.

When he opened the door he gave me a big bear hug, which was something he had never done before. We were close friends, I liked to think, but not very demonstrative. 

"That's called an abrazo" he told me happily. "They do it all the time in Guatemala."

"You about cracked a rib, there, junior" I complained in mock irritation. I was glad to see him, but his apartment smelled different. It reeked of vanilla beans.

"How's the iguana, I mean the monkey doing?" I asked.

"Oh, he died on the way down there" he replied. Crazy Henry did not seem at all sad about it. He paused, rocking back and forth on his heels like a kid waiting to announce that Christmas was almost here, and then burst out: "I got married down there!"

A small brown woman came out of the kitchen and smiled at me.
 "This is Mariana!" he said excitedly. "Mee moo-hare!"

"Mucho gusto" I said to her politely. Her smile widened into a grin; she had a gap between her upper front teeth like the Wife of Bath.

"She owns a sunken pirate ship" he said proudly. "Wanna help us get the gold out of it?"

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Turns out everybody in Mariana's village knew about the pirate wreck -- it was right off the beach, and most of it was exposed at low tide. But it was overgrown with sea nettles -- you couldn't get into it without being slashed and stung to death.

"My boss wants me back in two weeks, or else" I told Crazy Henry. "This is just a wild goose chase."

"I've already taken care of it, with good old Yanqui know-how" Crazy Henry assured me. "I'm gonna bring in a school of sea goats to eat the sea nettles."

"Sea goats" I said flatly. I already had a terrible rash from the heat and humidity, and was covered in white zinc oxide ointment. I couldn't take another minute of Crazy Henry's fooling. "I'm gonna go lie down, take a siesta" I told him. "Good luck with the sea goats."

Mariana kindly brought me a plate of warm empanadas as I lay suffering. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up I could hear what sounded like the entire village screaming their heads off. I went outside and saw that the old pirate wreck was completely denuded of sea nettles. And the villagers were streaming out to the wreck with sacks and jugs and tubs and quilts and anything else that would hold some of the treasure. By the time Crazy Henry and I got out to it, the only thing left was a brass bell and the oak steering wheel, both black with age and salt water.

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Back in the good old Estados Unidos I got a raise at work and Crazy Henry and Mariana ran a food truck that served empanadas. They parked it every week day in front of the county courthouse and did a roaring trade. 

I kept the brass bell and Crazy Henry kept the steering wheel. 

Mariana went to an orthodontist and got that gap in her teeth fixed.

When Crazy Henry brought home another iguana to raise as a pet monkey, Mariana roasted it for Sunday dinner and had me over for a slice. 

"Tastes real good, for monkey" I couldn't help saying to Crazy Henry.