Could the Most Flavorful Supermarket Tomatoes Actually Come in Jars? Hell No!

(Brought to you by the Compost Soup Company)

It’s easy to think that the most flavorful tomatoes should be found down your local produce aisle. But remember, all that runs red when beaten with a stick is not tomatoes!

Those fresh tomatoes you surreptitiously squeeze down at the local market are picked when they are as green as a child’s boogers. Then, horror of horrors, they are unnaturally ripened using a mysterious ethylene gas that comes from the endangered Fubar peedle pod, only to be found on a coral atoll near the Brooklyn Bridge. What does this mean for you, the hungry, hungry hippo? It means mealy-mouthed tomatoes that will cut you dead at the next Sons of Sicily meeting you attend.

Compost senior chef Max Schmutz says they only use hand-crushed tomatoes, or those stomped on by mellow Florentine feet. So if you get a few brown toenails in your sauce, tough luck.

Only the ripest tomatoes go into Compost Farmer’s Market Tomato Sauce. In fact, they’re so ripe they drip mold and fungus and beetle dung and other organic scrimshaw.

The tomatoes you get at the market are pink. The ones that go into our sauce are a vibrant red, a firehouse red, and red light district red -- so red they burn your retinas irreparably. Again, tough luck.

Bob Limburger is a fourth generation hobo who uses our tomato sauce exclusively to rid himself of bedbugs and lice every Ash Wednesday. He says that only the ripest and reddest and sexiest tomatoes will do -- and that means Compost Tomato Sauce. Or kerosene -- it’s all the same to him, the old bum.

We could go on. But you get the picture. Short sentences with punchy grammar.

So the next time you’re thinking of making your family a nourishing and authentic tomato dish, reach for the car keys and go to a restaurant. We can’t be bothered with keeping up the pretence of flavorful tomatoes and all that crap.

Shakespeare said “Ripeness is all.” But tomatoes hadn’t been invented yet, so he was probably referring to gooseberries or mead. But if we put a picture of him right here you’ll believe anything we tell you, won’t you? You fools . . .