Bosses come in all kinds of shapes and sizes and colors -- but they all have one thing in common: they belong to a terrorist sleeper cell that is dedicated to taking your American job and career down the toilet. It can be said in their favor that they ARE related to the owner, WILL BE related to the owner, or WERE related to the owner. And since you are not, and never will be, you have to learn to cope with them so you get enough work done to justify your measly paycheck each week and hold onto a shred of self respect. Here are ten surefire ways to deal with an unreasonable boss:
One. put a mickey finn in their coffee each morning. Knock out drops are available at any opium den or Mafia clubhouse. They are quick and effective, keeping your dopey boss slack-jawed and oblivious until noon -- and since he or she already appears that way most mornings without being drugged, who’s going to know the difference? For the afternoons try itching powder on their keyboard.
Two. be nice to your boss. Kiss up to them. Give them candy and flowers. Tell them how nice they look today. Offer to do their laundry. You’ll be very surprised at the results of such positive reinforcement -- your boss won’t change one bit and will still treat you like dirt.
Three. Buy the winning lottery ticket. Then your boss can go stick his or her head in a pumpkin.
Four. try walking in your boss’s shoes. Really, wait until he or she takes them off and then walk around the office in them for laughs. When you’re finished kick them off and into the nearest trash can.
Five. have a wiccan cast a spell on him or her. A toad makes for a pleasant, quiet boss. So does a bag of geodes. Avoid having your boss turned into a zombie -- that just puts them in upper management.
Six. take your boss out to lunch. Get him or her drunk. Put them behind the wheel of a race car at the Indy 500. This takes a little planning, but the results are spectacular -- you might even get your face sculpted onto the Borg-Warner Trophy.
Seven. Have your ear drums removed. If you can’t hear your boss’s drivel, it can’t drive you crazy and you’re not responsible for doing anything he or she says.
Eight. Wear a propeller beanie to work. Studies show that nobody wants to talk to someone wearing a propeller beanie. Ever. they won’t even send you emails. This works if you want to get rid of your spouse, too.
Nine. run away and join the circus; then, twenty years later, come back with a cage full of lions and sic ‘em on your old boss until he or she begs for mercy.
Ten. just shoot the bastard.
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