John Schwartz Day is coming up again.
Real soon.
Tomorrow, actually.
So you better buy your sweetheart
a box of candy.
Or get some flowers.
A dozen bottle rockets would be nice.
Just get something for the one you
love.
After all, John Schwartz gave his
life so lovers could keep loving.
At least that's the story they
used to teach us in grade school.
See, there was this scribe named
John Schwartz back in the medieval
times. Back when newspapers
were real, along with dragons
and unicorns.
One day Schwartz comes upon
a pair of young lovers weeping.
"Why weepest thou, young lovers?"
he asks them.
"Our parents forbid us to wed!"
they cry in unison.
"Well, I can fix that. I'm a big shot
scribe!" he assures them.
So Schwartz girds up his loins
and goes to see the parents.
But they have never heard of him.
They only ever watch Fox News.
So they chop off his head.
And now every year on February 14th
we commemorate John Schwartz's
heroic deed and senseless death
by exchanging gifts with our lovers.
And hanging Rupert Murdoch in
effigy.
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