Prose Poem: Tim Carman and the Relish.

 

So I invented this relish, see?

I mean that I put together

certain ingredients in a certain

way that makes them stay

fresh in the fridge for a long time.

And it's a cheap food, but very

nutritious. And easy to make.

So I wanted to tell someone

about it.

Because I think it's just as

important as the invention of

mumbo sauce or the rise in

shrimp chips consumption

in the United States.

But the only food reporter

I could get to respond to my

emails was Tim Carman of

the Washington Post.

He was polite

but noncommittal.

"Please send me the complete

list of ingredients" he wrote,

"and I may be able to do something."

I hesitated, because what if he

simply stole the recipe for

my universal relish --

I could prove nothing in court.

But then I decided that perfect trust

casteth out all guile.

A week later he emailed:

"I tried your so-called universal

relish recipe. You have simply

re-invented chow-chow."

Crushed, I went to the fridge

and dumped all my universal

relish down the sink. 

Then went out to shovel snow

onto my neighbors driveway. 

Afterwards a thought hit me,

so I emailed Carman back:

"Did you remember to grate

the cucumber?"

Two days later he responded:

"Apologies. I remade your universal

relish with grated cucumber and

it is a world-beater. Congratulations."

Don't you love a guy who keeps an

open mind?

I felt so good I immediately went

out to sprinkle ground glass on

my neighbor's sidewalk.

 

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Tim Carman's Twitter response:

This is a first. The great Tim Torkildson, the man who brings joy to journalists everywhere, has turned me into a hard-nosed chow-chow reporter.