Welcome to the Hotel Avaricious

The push by hotels to swamp travelers with fees is expanding: The fees you used to only find at resorts are moving downtown.

Many big-city hotels are adding mandatory facility fees or urban-destination fees to hotel bills, hiding the add-ons, which sometimes reach $50 a night, from advertised room rates. The Boston Park Plaza adds a required $22 fee per room per night. The St. Regis in New York, often more than $800 a night, now adds a $50 mandatory destination fee.

There’s a $25 a night resort fee at the Radisson Blu Aqua in downtown Chicago. Same at the Hilton Anatole in Dallas. Neither are what most travelers would consider a resort.

WSJ

Make your time away from home relaxing and auspicious;

come stay in a luxurious suite at Hotel Avaricious.

Reservations guaranteed, as long as you book early.

(So many people have 'em now, twould make your bald head curly!)

Accommodations are deluxe; we never let you down.

Our lobby's so decorous it could pass for a ghost town.

 Conveniently located, next to stockyards and a mill

that quaintly grinds fish bladders into such a healthy pill.

We're happy to take credit cards, or debit -- even cash.

We don't ask many questions (like "How did you get that gash?")

Our gift shop is amazing, full of overrated rubble.

And if you show them your room key, all prices they will double.

Our staff is very helpful and have trained to serve you well;

 if you neglect to tip them large they'll give you bloody hell.

The desk clerk's ever ready to provide you with a smile.

The maids will sweep the bedbugs up with hardly any guile.

We have a troupe of bellboys that know how to get things done;

when they see Immigration you will see how fast they run.

We've tour guides by the dozens, who will lead you far away

to caves that are storm sewers when we have a rainy day.

Our coffee shop is splendid, and our grill is never closed.

We serve organic burgers (if the meat ain't decomposed.)

The cocktail lounge invites you to sophisticated gab;

their bar brawls are quite mannerly -- no shooting, just a stab.

Come swim in our Olympic pool, or sunbathe if you like;

you can fish for dinner, cuz we stock the pool with pike.

The tennis court is lively, since it is a parking lot.

(Avoid the deck chairs, buddy; they are more or less dry rot.)

And when you come to pay your bill we think you'll be surprised

how every stinking item has become so fertilized.

We gonna gouge you, sweetheart, and there's nothin' you can do;

it goes on your expense account, so watsa matta you?

If you have trouble paying we will be most understanding.

Guido will arrange for you to have a neat crash landing.

Be sure to tell your friends about the Hotel Avaricious.

Cuz if you don't we've video that makes you look suspicious.