FDA Warns About Toxic Hand Sanitizers

Remember Prohibition? Of course you do!
It was that time a hundred years ago when all the saloons shut down and Americans had to make their own hootch.
Much of the resulting product was just barely potable, but Jazz Age flappers and hep cats managed to still get the desired effect, throwing up merrily all over their raccoon coats and Calvin Coolidge rotogravures. 
But some of the booze that was cobbled together in those halcyon days was actually toxic -- it gave imbibers the heebie jeebies, not to mention the colly wobbles and softening of the eyeballs. 
There was never any sure way to discern between the Good Stuff and the Graveyard Gravy. You just had to take your chances. Many a fine man and woman, in an unguarded moment, blighted their futures with one sip too many of a toxic cocktail -- becoming imbeciles, or, even worse, card-carrying Wampus Babies. Your great grandfather probably had a dose of toxic liquor at one time or another; and doesn't that go a long way towards explaining those strange second cousins who live in the Turtle Mountains and worship what they call the Vinegar God?

Today we face a similar challenge when it comes to hand sanitizers; some of them, it has been reported by reliable news sources, are chock-a-block with toxic ingredients that not only don't kill germs but can actually cause your skin to peel off and your fingers to independently run for President.
Spurious ingredients in hand sanitizers for sale at major retail outlets in America include:

Oil of squills.
Millipede powder.
Eye of Gingrich.
Mandolin picks.
Dust bunny droppings.
and lutefisk concentrate.

Horrible to think about. Even more horrible to use!
Don't be fooled by labels that boast about 'purity' or 'gluten free.' In order to see how toxic your hand sanitizer might be, test it first by placing a drop on a noisy child in your neighborhood. If it bores a hole through the child's head, you know it's toxic and you've wasted your money on poison. But on the bright side at least you've gotten rid of one obnoxious child.
There's really only one way to insure that your hand sanitizer is safe and sound, and that is to make it yourself. As a public service I hereby offer, gratis, this scientific formula for hand sanitizer that will neutralize microbes before you can say "Andy Fauci!"

TORKILDSON'S OLDE FASHIONED ORGANIC HAND SANITIZER.

Start with a gallon of neutral grain spirits.
As soon as you've finished that and sobered up again pour a quart of turpentine into a galvanized wash tub, add three tablespoons of Epsom salts and a dash of cooking sherry. Stir constantly for five minutes and then throw in three packets of unflavored gelatin and a handful of cloves. Cover with cheesecloth and let sit overnight. Siphon off into one pint spray bottles and immediately give them all to your mother-in-law. Because she certainly deserves them, doesn't she?