Investors have trimmed their bearish bets

I was out of work and pretty desperate,
so I answered an online ad that asked
for people to be trimmed. Payment would
be in gold Krugerrands.

I showed up at an abandoned shopping mall,
where sweet peas came up through the cracks
in the asphalt.

There were bears all over the place.
Polar bears. Grizzlies. Pandas. Sun bears.
They rushed over to me and began wielding
scissors around my long beautiful brown
hair.

I have always been very proud of my hair.
My dad never let his grow out until he was 
put in a nursing home -- and then it grew
into a luxurious mop of silky brown wonder.
And then he died of the coronavirus.
My hair is the same. I guard it with scalp massages
and douse it with olive oil each morning.
Now these bears were ready to trim it all off!

I decided not to fight them. There were too many.
And they were bears, for heaven's sake. You
don't win a fight with a bear.
When they were done they threw Kruggerands
at me. And I was completely bald.

I used the money to buy that abandoned shopping
mall.
I threw all the bear out -- in fact, I managed
to have them captured and put behind bars
in zoos all over the world.
Serves 'em right.