All the damn quacks tell me why I am fat;
They think it’s white bread and a lot of Kit Kat.
Or else I need kumquats and twice daily boosters
Of fish oil mixed in with the blood of young roosters.
They pelt me with grapefruit and twelve step routines;
They want me to gobble just endive and beans.
Even my friends promise wondrous results
If I will join in their dieting cults.
Away with you, varlets! Begone, mountebanks!
This boyo was raised on canned beans and plump franks.
The reason I’m fat is because I’m not thin.
So stop with your yammering racketing din!
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