TODAY is a good day for waffles and fidget spinners. Don’t go near any cyclotrons or delicatessens. You have friends in high places who are about to fall on you.
AQUARIUS
January 20 - February 18
What happens in the next 48 hours will determine hardly anything at all for the people of Bemidji, Minnesota. So go back to bed and let the Lennon Sisters enter your dreams to guide you to a place that is not a bathroom, nor a living room, but resembles nothing so much as your old high school auditorium after ISIS gets through with it. Conducting business today would be both disastrous and a sign of belligerent against the Klingon Empire.
PISCES
February 19 - March 20
Your weekend will be taken up with accusations from Sesame Street characters about your misbehavior -- you know what you did . . .
Don’t change any plans after midnight tonight; and don’t let your left hand know what your right brain is doing. But above all else, remember the Alamo!
ARIES
March 21 - April 19
Your luck has run out for the present. Try to live on less than your earn, and earn less than you like -- it is the only true path to understanding your destiny and the Senate’s Tax Bill. You deserve more than what you’re getting, and less than what Matt Lauer is trying to hang on to. The cosmos is trying to tell you that you need more fiber.
TAURUS
April 20 - May 20
Keep your friends close to you this weekend; they hold the key to your prosperity in 2018, as well as the magic bottle of Tabasco Sauce that can grant your every desire -- if you lead a pure life and don’t spit on the sidewalk. The chances are good that someone you know only as a tree surgeon is about to show you how to double your life insurance premiums without getting any further benefits.
GEMINI
May 21 - June 20
Certain people are after your licorice stash. Others are about to introduce you to an otherworldly experience that can only be described as ‘meh.’ In order to differentiate between the two groups you must learn to pull yourself up by your own bootlicks and never give a lolipop and even break.
CANCER
June 21 - July 22
Beware of new projects in old clothes and of wombats in the bushes. No one knows the real you except your accountant, and some nerd working for Google out in California. There are reasons within reasons for your lack of success in romantic affairs; but always remember that no one eats their heart out without a drop of ketchup. Hold back on financial plans involving hemorrhoid creams.
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