Prose Poem: The suspected unwell.

 

(based on a story by Drew Harwell)

The temperature police broke down my door

at 8:30 p.m. on a Thursday.

"Are you here to burn my books?"

I asked timidly.

"What's books?" asked the youngest cop.

"Never mind that" snarled the chief officer of

the squad. "We got a report of potential risk

in this household; so we're gonna have to

search the place."

"Be my guest" I replied nervously.

I had nothing to hide. 

I hoped.

They took my temperature.

They took the temperature of

my cat.

And my goldfish.

Even the geranium in the window sill.

"Got something here, Sarge!" yelled 

the young guy from the kitchen.

They all crowded into the kitchen,

guns drawn.

I was baking cornbread in the oven.

"This device is way too hot" 

said the Sarge. "Turn it off immediately!"

So I did. No use arguing with authority

when it has a gun.

"Where's your face mask?" asked the Sarge.

"You need to be wearing it right now."

"You're not wearing one" I ventured.

That was a mistake.

"Oh, a wise guy" growled the Sarge.

"That'll cost you exactly fifty dollars, pal."

"Sorry" I said meekly.

"You're standing too close to that rubber plant"

said the young cop. I was really beginning to

hate that guy.

"Move away!" barked the Sarge.

I moved. And began to sweat.

Heavily.

"Look, Sarge! He's sweating like a pig"

said the young cop.

"He must be one of them

suspected unwell."

They hustled me into their green van.

An hour later I was in a sterilized holding cell

after the temperature police had made me

skip rope with a rubber hose.

A doctor examined me.

He found symptoms of dandruff 

and halitosis. 

That was enough to send me to Camp Fauci,

outside of Juneau Alaska.

It was actually quite pleasant.

We played cribbage with the guards

and had cooking classes from world class

chefs.

I learned to make beef bourguignon.

I especially enjoyed the yoga sessions.

When I was released two years later

they gave me a Land's End parka,

gift certificates for Walgreens,

and ten thousand dollars.

So I settled in Juneau.

A very nice place. No parking meters.

And when I came down with leprosy

they elected me mayor.