I went down to the Digital Spy Bureau to apply to be a digital spy. they welcomed me with open gigabytes. "you're just the type we need" they said. "you are sneaky, insincere, nosy, dogmatic, and lack social skills." I had to agree with them -- no false modesty for me.
my first assignment was to gather data on an old woman who never got any junk mail in her senior citizen's apartment building mail box. this was very suspicious, perhaps an extinction level event, so my superiors needed me to go online and find out about her agenda. trouble was, she didn't have an online presence. no email, no Facebook, no nothin'. when I told this to my superiors they threw me into a foot locker. I am still there, tapping out messages by morse code. I hope to heaven this message gets out. if you are reading this, please go to the Silver Dish Thai Cafe on Center Street in Provo and look in the last booth on the left -- you will see a foot locker. if I'm not in there you'll know I've been digitized for my country. send my regards to Jeff Zucker.
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