'Potentially deadly’ heat wave grips two-thirds of U.S., with dozens of records likely to fall

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it got so hot that most of the clouds melted into white sauce, flowing down the mountainsides like lava to inundate towns and cities across the land. then the asphalt roads bubbled up in fevered protest to engulf cars and trucks; whole family vans disappeared into the muck, gummy bears and all. sidewalks turned to chalk dust. metal became too hot to touch. no one barbecued -- smart families stayed inside, sucking on Slushies. when the swelter abated with the October rains, a committee of scientists, politicians, and used car salesmen were called to the nation's capital to seek a solution. they decided that mankind must move into the ocean on inflatable plastic pool toys for the next fifty years. and so it was done. it wasn't so bad, really. giant drones with giant umbrellas shielded us from the tropical sun and from heavy rains. hurricanes were easy to prevent with Alka Seltzer. humanity feasted on caviar and ambergris. I myself managed to have a large family, and when my grand kids went back up on the land I refused to go with them. 

"You can't teach an old fish new tricks" I told them, as the Japanese trawler swept me up in its net and threw me on ice.