(dedicated to @dannyhakim)
then there's this dead guy that keeps giving me money. I mean, whenever the doorbell rings around midnight I know it's this gruesome corpse, risen from the grave, that hands me hundred dollar bills. I've tried to tell him he doesn't need to do it -- I'm doing okay on my Social Security and all -- but it just looks at me with that brown decaying rictus on its face and won't go away until I take the money out of its cold dead hand. you can bet I spray those bills with Lysol for a full minute. who knows where they've been.
it all started years ago when I won a contest in Fangoria magazine -- I don't remember the exact details, but there was some provision for my prize money to be delivered by an animated cadaver. I think I'm still supposed to cut off a chicken's head at some point, but I won't do it. if that disqualifies me from getting any more rancid hundred dollar bills, then so be it.
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