The Cure for COVID-19.

 

Where were you when you heard they had first

 found a cure for COVID-19?

I was soaking my feet in Epsom salts

when my wife burst into the room,

waving a magazine and shouting:

"They did it! They did it! The cure!"

"Don't have a cheese curd" I said sulkily;

my feet were killing me. "Sit down like a

sane person and give me some details."

I knew that was a rude response, 

but I didn't think she'd simply turn around

and go find a divorce lawyer.

Without telling me anything about the cure.

She wound up with the lake home, 

the Shakespeare folios,

and the silk worms.

All I got was the condo and the cough drop business.

But then she died suddenly of the COVID-19, 

before the divorce decree became final  --

so everything came back to me.

I felt very relieved,

yet frustrated and confused.

Had she been inoculated or not?

I guess I'll never know.

I, of course, got inoculated

immediately.

And met a beautiful woman

online.

We were married in Saskatoon,

where her family was from.

They refused to believe in the

cure for COVID-19 --

because a German pharmaceutical

firm had come up with it,

and they were refugees from 

World War Two.

Predictably, after the wedding,

many of them died of the virus.

Gretchen didn't dare get inoculated,

out of respect for her parents' 

beliefs.

She caught it and became very ill.

But recovered.

And had an affair

with the doctor treating her.

She ran off with him to Nova Scotia.

About that same time they

announced that the so-called

COVID-19 cure was a fake.

It didn't work.

In fact, it made people bald.

So that explains why I lost most

of my curly brown hair in just

a month.

Nowadays . . . 

Oh, but why bother to tell you

about the new cure?

You've heard about it.

Horse chestnuts.

Swallow one whole.

You never get sick.

Your hair grows back.

Wives and lovers are

impelled to come back.

They tore down the whole

Amazon rainforest 

to plant horse chestnut trees.

Now the world is safe.

Now I have my wife back.

The doctor she ran off with

choked on a horse chestnut

and died.

I think that's as good a place

as any to end this story.